Addict, self-indulgent, lazy, impatient, weak, unfocused. These are just a few of the adjectives that I would use to describe myself. While these are overwhelmingly negative, I feel a sense of honesty as I write this, something that I have never felt before. Can I attribute this honesty to the fact that I have never admitted my faults? Why am I so comfortable expressing qualities in myself that I find to be absolutely vile, yet acknowledging the better qualities within me leaves a sense of doubt? Maybe this is some sort of journal or expression of myself that I’ve longed for for so many years. It feels so good to write and I feel that I am getting better at it. There is something here. There is something I want to say or I feel I need to say but I can’t figure it out. It nags at me every now and then. Is there some magnum opus I have yet to conceive?
I feel that I’ve become a slave to yearning. I crave something else. Sometimes I feel like I know what that is, but more times than not, I have no idea what I want. My focus seems to be everywhere but here and now. Of course it’s the present that matters, but shouldn’t I have a better sense of where I’m going? Of course I should. I want to be a New York Times bestselling author, the owner of a Michelin starred restaurant, a video game designer, actor, voice over extraordinaire, elected official, or the director of the FBI on any given day. All of these things divide my attention. Are these just whims? These fancies divide my attention, however, none of them are important in the end. What I want more than any of those things is to be a good father. I want to be the best man that I can be for my family, a role model for my children.
Yet in the end, I’m a pretty decent dude. While I enjoy beer on a frequent basis, I can easily go a week without even a drop. Laziness strikes us all and sometimes at the worst possible times, but I bust my ass everyday at work and home. I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit and my focus maybe isn’t as divided as I make it out. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not. There are quite a few maybe’s throughout this little manifesto but I’m sure of a few things. I’m gonna keep on keeping on. For me, and my family. I love them so much and I will fight for them everyday. I may not have the clearest idea on what’s to come after I finish school, but I have faith in myself that I will figure it out. I’ve made it this far and it’s important not to lose sight of that. I suppose it’s far easier to point out the bad than accept the good. I don’t like that, but it seems honest. I want to write more on this website. I truly enjoy writing.
This feels very therapeutic. Putting my thoughts out there feels great. May this be the beginning of something good for me. People may see this, maybe not. I can’t be afraid of either prospect. Sharing is caring right?
I need to establish some goals for myself and get them stuck in my face on a daily basis. I also need to establish a better routine for myself. I need to invest in myself. I need more than anything, to be honest with myself and smile. I can be a positive influence on everyone around me. Everyone, including myself, deserves this. I have to continue my pursuit of mindfulness and kindness. I’m such a beautiful, amazing person and it would truly be a waste to think anything otherwise. If I can continue to acknowledge my better qualities, it will lead to a happier, healthier me. I know this.
I love you.
I love me.
Thanks for stopping by.